


Marvel Cinematic Universe Abridged

by Idiot with too much free time and wifi (DungeonMistress)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: just dumb shit that I think is funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:54:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23299663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DungeonMistress/pseuds/Idiot%20with%20too%20much%20free%20time%20and%20wifi
Summary: I got bored
Kudos: 2





	Marvel Cinematic Universe Abridged

So Tony Stark is in the back of a military convoy getting absolutely plastered, flirting with the driver, taking pictures and reminding himself to buy Myspace before it becomes irrelevant in like...3 hours. But suddenly all of the shit hits several fans and the van he's in becomes target practice. He tries to escape and order a quick pizza or something but he soon finds the bad guys have a missile with his name on it. 

Literally.

When he wakes up, he realizes the guys that decided to send his weapons back the fun way, are kind of assholes. So he decides to ignore them and take a nap so good it blasts him a few days back, where he could be winning an award but nah, he's gonna play craps. Stark is like "Ah just give Ceaser the award. He deserves some thanks for that awesome salad I had earlier." He meets some reporter chick who asks him why he's the head of a weapons development company that makes weapons to sell to the military despite it being a family tradition. But to be fair, who actually expects reporters to do research and rational thinking? So to get her to shut up for five seconds and let him talk about how it's better then painting, Stark takes the reporter home and performs the classic Hump and Dump. His assistant Pepper then proceeds to throw the reporter's half naked ass out the door, most likely expecting her to walk back to Vegas from Malibu. 

Stark tries holding off on going to the weapons show he's holding, but he's read the script already so he figures he might as well go, but he'll be damned if he's not gonna get some drunk lap dances in before he arrives. He goes, does the show, tells his oddly sinister partner to put some pajamas on, gets captured but we've already seen this part. 

Realizing that a missile to the heart fucking hurts, Stark and some bald guy named Yensin build a tiny blue light and force it into Stark's chest. The leader of the bad guys says he wants a new missile. Apparently the one that almost killed Stark was his favorite but now he can't play with it anymore, so he wants a better one. 

Stark says "Lol fuck you" and builds a suit instead, killing absolutely everyone and blowing up everything in the terrorists base. Yensin dies or whatever but to be fair, it was he wanted. Living in the same cave as Stark for a week will do that to a guy. 

When Stark is done playing hostage he goes home, gets a cheesburger, shuts down his company's weapons project and now everyone is mad at him. And that children is why you don't cave when the Media tells you what is what. 

After telling Pepper to put her fingers in his gaping wet hole, Stark sits in his basement for a while, thinking "hey that suit thing was kinda fun. I wanna do it again. And i'm gonna go to the FUCKING MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" Turns out space is pretty cold. He gives his suit a paint job and goes partying with Disney for a while, hearing rumors they wanted in on the Stark company name. He runs into a familiar looking old guy that he could swear he's seen somewhere before, dances with Pepper for a bit, goes to get her a drink, but right in the middle of realizing he's not the kind of guy to commit, he's just about to skip the Hump and go straight to the Dump, the reporter bitch comes in, saying Stark lied about planning to stop selling weapons. Once again, no research was done, and it turns out the oddly sinister partner from earlier Obidiah Stane is an asshole. And he's manged to build his own suit. 

Stark flies over to where the new weapons are showing up, an tells the bad guys"I told yall guys no weapons. Bad. Bad bad guys. Go to your room."

"Lol fuck you" They say in response as they shoot him with a tank. Stark laughs and says "no u" and shoots their tank with himself. He comes home in time for Pepper to see he's been out having fun in his new suit, and she tries to leave, but he calls her out on running away from a man trying to fix his mistakes, and she remembers when she put herself past the wrist into this mans gaping hole and decided to help prove that Stane is shady as fuck. 

Stane finds out about this, finishes building his own suit, and then paralyzes Tony with some Rickroll. He takes out that big glowy light in Stark's chest and uses it as a way to power his own suit. Luckily every Tony Stark takes AA batteries to work properly, and so he gets in his own suit and both him and Stane try to kill each other, and Tony tells Pepper to blow up the roof they're fighting on and she's like "But you'll die" 

And Tony's like "Do it! I got Plot Armor! My contract specified two sequels and potential crossovers!" And so Pepper does it, and then Tony wakes up like an hour later, Stane is dead, there's a building that needs repairs and his government issued cover story is just as stupid as it was back in the 70s. So in front of the media demanding an explanation, he gives them the one thing they can't twist into a lie and don't need to research because it's only three words. 

"I am Iron Man."


End file.
